One of the Best Pranks I have Ever Seen.

What a Weekend!

Under the heading of “Only in Dubai” I sit here rather like a stunned mullet thinking about the weekend.

Thursday night saw Lovely Wife and myself rubbing shoulders with the stars at the Grand Opening party of the Atlantis hotel, now being claimed as the world’s most expensive and lavish launch parties.

Friday night we were rubbing shoulders with camels and camping out in the desert under the stars.

Talk about from the sublime to the ridiculous.








The Grand Opening party at the Atlantis was just extraordinary and was one of the most incredible events I have ever attended. We received our security passes by courier earlier in the week along with a whole list of instructions, it was very much like a military operation.

When we finally got up to the hotel we crossed the lobby and headed down to the beach area. The pool area between the hotel and the beach had been decked over with the stage acting as a sort of barrier between the dining tables on one side and the bars and dancing area on the other.

The Veuve Clicquot champagne was free flowing and I made the most of it, of course. There were small tables dotted around with divine hors d’oeuvres on offer and having grabbed some of those Lovely Wife and I watched the celebs coming down the red carpet. What was great was that there were no divisions and all of the guests just mingled about. Lovely Wife had a long chat with Lilly Allen (I still have no idea who she is) and Shirley Bassey. I have to say that it was a bit wasted on me as I had no idea who half the people were but it was just great fun ambling around and being part of the whole excitement.








Next we were through to the tables where a fantastic lobster salad and some standard and not very inspiring Lebanese mezze were offered. Arabic style mixed grill was next up, again, not very interesting and I think they could have planned something a bit cleverer. Oh well.

After some short speeches from Sol Kerzner and Sultan bin Sulayam Kylie came on stage and did a 45 minute show which was great fun and had everybody up and bouncing along. After Kylie disappeared we rushed back to our seats and then witnessed one of the most incredible and spectacular shows I have ever seen.








The facade of the hotel was used as the backdrop for a fantastic ‘son et lumiere’ show which portrayed ‘Atlantis Rising’, it was brilliant. As soon as this reached a climax the fireworks started and, my god, what a show, they were going off all around us and it felt like we were in the middle of this cauldron of light and noise. It was jaw-dropping stuff and went on for what seemed like an age.








When we had finally regained our senses (and filled up our glasses of course) we did some more star gazing. Kylie, Natalie Imbruglia and Richard Branson were sitting on the table beside us so Lovely Wife went over and got their autographs!

On the other side of the stage Lindsay Lohan’s boy/girlfriend was DJ-ing and the dancing started. Ms Lohan spent the rest of the evening just standing beside the platform on which her rather strange looking partner was working, it was very odd.





A couple of other things were also quite odd; at one stage after Kylie had finished Sheikh Maktoum bin Mohammed al Maktoum was invited up to say a few words and nothing happened. Everyone just sort of sat there and waited, and waited, and waited. Finally someone went running along disappeared behind the curtains on stage and the next part of the show started. Oops. I wonder what went wrong?

Also I was very surprised that Sheikh Mohammed was a no show, especially given as it was also to celebrate the opening of the Palm Island. We saw the table setting for Sheikh Mohammed and Princess Haya and there was the usual whisperings going on about why he didn’t turn up.

Finally got home about 0300hrs and collapsed in a heap.







And in case you are interested:

Party:

GBP15 million budget
2,000 guests
1,000 serving staff
500 chefs
1.7 metric tonnes/tons of lobster eaten
5,000 sushi canapes
£1.5 million reported fee for Kylie (£150,000 per song)
One million fireworks, including 100,000 rockets

Hotel:

1,539 rooms
£25,000 per night to stay in the Bridge Suite
1.4km of beachfront
2,250 tonnes of marble and stone used in the construction
60,000 trees and shrubs planted in the grounds
68 languages spoken by staff
11 million litre aquarium
65,000 marine animals, including 24 dolphins and a whale shark
100 staff to look after the fish, including a team of chefs


The next day dawned far, far too early and with a total of seven cars we headed off into the deserts of Umm al Quwain for a spot of camping. The first couple of beers were a bit of a struggle but somehow I managed!

It was a lovely night, sitting around a big fire under the stars with lots of good mates. It got very cold though which was quite a surprise for this time of year.

Just as the sun started to peek over the horizon the children were up and about and so the day started. Groan. The heat picked up pretty quickly and so we didn’t hang around, we were back at home by lunchtime and I was doing some ‘Egyptian PT’ shortly afterwards!

Only in Dubai.......

How to Spot a Rich Guy Part 2

The Perfect Woman?

Some More Silly Pics......

And the Guns Fell Silent.....

On this day, exactly 90 years ago, the Armistice that marked the end of World War One was signed between the Allies and Germany in a railway carriage in the Compiegne Forest in France. It was signed shortly after 0500hrs and it was agreed that six hours should be allowed for news to reach the front line. The time agreed for all hostilities to cease was 1100hrs; the eleventh hour, of the eleventh day of the eleventh month.

Some 50 British soldiers were killed between Armistice and ceasefire and hundreds more wounded.

The Americans, who had only recently joined the War, were rightly suspicious of the Armistice, and their leader Gen Pershing felt that if the Allies didn’t push the Germans all the way back to Berlin and destroy them once and for all, the whole thing would happen again in 20 years.

The result of such prescience was that they suffered particularly badly on the final day, taking some 3,000 casualties as they pursued attacks right up to the last minute. Some of these losses were recklessly unnecessary, as in the case of one American general who mounted an expensive attack on the town of Stenay, so that his soldiers could have a bath.

Ninety years later we remember them, as we remember all British, Commonwealth and Allied soldiers, sailors and airmen who have made the ultimate sacrifice.


In Flanders Field

In Flanders field the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.
Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

By Major John McCrae, May 1915

For The Fallen

With proud thanksgiving, a mother for her children,
England mourns for her dead across the sea.
Flesh of her flesh they were, spirit of her spirit,
Fallen in the cause of the free.

Solemn the drums thrill; Death august and royal
Sings sorrow up into immortal spheres,
There is music in the midst of desolation
And a glory that shines upon our tears.

They went with songs to the battle, they were young,
Straight of limb, true of eye, steady and aglow.
They were staunch to the end against odds uncounted;
They fell with their faces to the foe.

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years contemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.

They mingle not with their laughing comrades again;
They sit no more at familiar tables of home;
They have no lot in our labour of the day-time;
They sleep beyond England's foam.

But where our desires are and our hopes profound,
Felt as a well-spring that is hidden from sight,
To the innermost heart of their own land they are known
As the stars are known to the Night;

As the stars that shall be bright when we are dust,
Moving in marches upon the heavenly plain;
As the stars that are starry in the time of our darkness,
To the end, to the end, they remain.

Laurence Binyon

Some Funnies.......

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, ' How’s the singing career going? '

Stevie replies, ' Not too bad. How’s the golf? '

Woods replies, ' Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that right, now. '

Stevie says, ' I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right. '

Tiger says, ' You play GOLF? '

Stevie says, ' Yes, I’ve been playing for years ' .

Tiger says, ' But – you’re blind! How can you play golf if you can't see? '

Stevie Wonder replies, ' Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice. '

' But, how do you putt? ' asks Tiger

' Well ' , says Stevie, ' I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice. '

Tiger asks, ' What’s your handicap? '

Stevie says, ' Well, actually – I’m a scratch golfer. '

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime. '

Stevie replies, ' Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem? '

Woods thinks about it and says, ' I can afford that, OK, I’m game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play? '

Stevie Wonder says, ' Pick any night'





A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realises that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilised and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike.'






In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time.

At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather trustingly.

'Well,' she said, responding very carefully, 'I'd have to say... I would like it infrequently.'

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked ...

'Is that one word or two?'





An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweller said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man. ' There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!





God Bless the Prince of Wales ...................

Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got
increasingly tighter around her feet as the day went on. That night,
when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she
flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove
my shoes, my feet are killing me!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour,
but it would not budge."Harder!" yelled Camilla. "Harder!"
Charles yelled back, I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla
exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!" In their bedroom next
door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, See? I told you with a face like
that, she was still a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, Oh, God,
darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy
man, always a Navy man!





Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the fook'n height of this flagpole, but we don't have a fook'n ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches...

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the fook'n height and she gives us the fook'n length.'





An Australian Love Poem
Who said Australian men weren't romantic?)

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab

And your belly ain't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me grandpa's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what ya look like
I'll always love ya dear

Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer.




A woman went into a bar in Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped
up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen, so she asked him if it
was true what they said about men with big feet being well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, 'Sure is, li'l lady. Why don't you come on
out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?'

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with
him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, 'Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't
nobody ever paid me for mah services before'

'Don't be flattered,' she said. 'Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.'




Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................

'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.

'Huey,' was the reply.

'How's your day been, Huey?'

'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.

'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'

'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.

'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.

'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?'

'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.

'My name is Puddles.'




Australian Sensitivity !


Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.'

Bluey says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, 'Where did you get that, Bluey?'

'Steve's wife gave it to me,' Bluey replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?'

'Well not exactly,' Bluey says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her,'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'.'